alienwear | (no subject)

(no subject)

The whole point of a bond is to benefit both witch and monster. It's supposed to minimize the monster's feral impulses, make them easier to resist.

This is the first full moon she and Lapis have shared since they became bonded, and Peridot is not sure she's feeling any of those benefits yet. She feels just as agitated as ever, just as on edge. She's lurking up in her room, a victorian bedroom turned out of control greenhouse, pacing back and forth in front of the bedroom window as she keeps a mindful eye on her hoard of plants. She'd contacted Lapis by Watch, asked her to come up to keep her company. Which is frankly an embarrassing request to have to make, but for some reason it's the only thing that she can think that would make her feel any better right now.

Her eyes keep flicking to the door, ears pricked up for the sound of footsteps. It's totally dark in the room except for the moonlight filtering in through the bay window.

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Peridot, turning back to face her, looks visibly taken aback when the annoyance lands, and she reacts to it with a hearty helping of shame. Her ears fold back, like a scolded dog, and she crouches low to the floor on all fours, so she's actually below Lapis's immediate eye level when she makes an apologetic gurgling noise. She's still blocking the door out, though.

"I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me," she whines anxiously, swishing her tail.

Edited 2019-09-27 03:47 (UTC)

Lapis does make an annoyed noise, but that's about all she does before she reaches over to-

Boop the snoot.

"It's fine. Just don't do that again. It's fine for a bit but then it kinda starts to get too much?"

Peridot's snoot wrinkles a bit as it's booped, and she makes a light sneezy sounding noise. She doesn't protest, though, and just wiggles it for a second before resuming keeping her pitiful puppy-dog eyes on her bonded.

"I know, I should know better," she whines despairingly, kneading the edge of the carpet with her talons. Notably, she still hasn't changed back from being a quadruped yet, for whatever reason. Possibly this form just feels more natural to her, with the full moons out.

The annoyance is gone quickly enough, and Lapis leans back on her arms as she watches Peridot look absolutely pitiful in front of her. She almost feels bad, but then she remembers she was the one getting manhandled.

"I can't believe you trapped me in a room."

Again, not annoyed, lowkey amused again, even if she doesn't look it.

Haha, she, trapped? Lapis somewhere?

...Oh stars. She's TRAPPING. LAPIS. SOMEWHERE. That's like, the number one thing Lapis HATES, isn't it!?

Peridot's losing it again, at least internally. Why does she feel so unlike herself? Why does she just want to keep Lapis in here with her all night, why does she so desperately want to be touching her, at least a little bit, at any given moment? None of what she's feeling makes any damn sense, and yet acknowledging that does absolutely nothing to make any of it go away.

"Nyeheheheh, heh, wow, yep! I told you I could!" she says with false enthusiasm, flashing a weakened smile.

The freaking out is something Lapis is feeling through the bond? It's not great. It makes her antsy herself, and she has to sit back up and reach over and gently pat her dragon-shaped friend.

"Peridot, it's fine. I was just joking. I promise I'm not mad, or anything?"

She believes that. She can feel Lapis is being genuine, after all. But Lapis's opinion of her is only half the issue. The other half is that Peridot knows how erratically she's behaving, and she doesn't feel like she has any control over it.

The patting helps more than the words do. Peridot exhales, lightly nodding her head in affirmation. As she nods, she rumbles deep in her throat and pushes her gem against the palm of Lapis's hand, desperate for more contact from her.

"Oh." She feel's Peridot's Gem under her palm and.. It's kinda weirdly intimate, and she's not sure whether or not Peridot means for it to be like that, or what, and she... Ends up moving her hand a little farther up her head, just to see if she does it again or not.

"Hhh--"

The tiniest squeak, barely audible. Peridot doesn't move to correct where Lapis's hand lands next. But she does stiffen, nearly imperceptibly, and her wings tremble ever so slightly.

What's more telling is that the scales beneath the other gem's palm flush warm with the heat of Peridot's embarrassment. The feeling is tangible over their bond, too... Along with a distinct sense of fear, and an aching longing that she's trying and failing to mask. She's worried that she may have taken this a step too fast and too far, and that maybe Lapis doesn't want that kind of intimacy with her.

Hm. That's a lot to really take in, emotionally, from Peridot. Alright, so she meant to do it. And she... wants to do it, specifically with her? Or is this just a kind of moon thing? Lapis wouldn't be surprised.

Why would Peridot want any sort of intimacy with her? It's not like she's been the greatest at... Well, anything. She's done better, lately, but there's still so many things that she can't really see anyone liking about her. She's... not a monster like Peridot, but she is a monster all the same, isn't she?

She's silent, but the fear and insecurity is coming off her in waves, and it's not something anyone really needs a bond to see.

"This is just a moon thing, isn't it?"

There's no way Peridot wants anything like that with her for real.

Peridot blinks at her with widened, worried eyes... Eyes that look eerily normal considering her current shape.

"What's 'just a moon thing'?" she says with confusion.

"You? This?" She replies, pulling her hand away from Peridot completely so she can gesture widely at her.

"Come on, Peridot. You know me, you know what I'm like." There's yet more fear flitting across their bond. "I know we're friends, but that's just it, isn't it? Just barnmates?" Her hands withdraw to her chest, clenching tightly in her own insecurity. It's been fine, but now there's this, and now it's pressing and right in front of her and she can't just pretend it's not there anymore.

Peridot stares some more, brows knitting together with concern. Since Lapis has backed off, she decides-- with considerable conscious effort-- to change back into her normal self, seated cross-legged on the floor in front of the door with a worried expression on her face. There's an undercurrent of panic from her end, a fear that she's fucking this up and scaring Lapis off.

"Lapis--" she starts, and then pauses, chewing her lip a second. "I... Even when it isn't a full moon, you're not just a friend or a barn mate!" she splutters, tripping over her words.

The panic, unfortunately, feeds into her own, because it comes off that Peridot is saying things because she's... afraid of her, maybe. It wouldn't be unreasonable, she thinks, even if Peridot is the more powerful one in their current setup.

Her stumbling over her words doesn't help either, and Lapis' shoulders hunch as she withdraws on herself, looking entirely too guilty as she looks away.

"You shouldn't lie, Peridot. And you don't have to for my sake."

"Eh!?!" Peridot looks completely alarmed by this reaction, her ruff and ears both flaring out in distress. "That is NOT what I meant at all--" she starts to splutter, and then shakes her head doggedly. "No no no no no-- I am not lying! Lapis!"

She's so desperate to make her understand. Her tail lashes, despairing over how she has managed to fuck this up so quickly.

This calls for drastic measures.

She'd changed back to her normal self because it had felt disingenuous to have this conversation with a different face on, but that's going out the window right now. She's suddenly Big again, and then she's gently plowing Lapis over and scooping her into a dragon hug, growling irritably. There's a lot of annoyance, and MOSTLY intense fondness, coming over that bond right now.

Peridot scoops her up, and out of instinct she freezes, because what else is she going to do? She can't really fight off Peridot like this, so if the other Gem just decides to crush her then really, wouldn't she deserve it for how she's mucked everything up?

Except Peridot doesn't do that. Instead, all she feels is irritation and fondness and undoubtedly both are directed at her but she is at least a little relieved to know that Peridot doesn't actually hate her enough to crush her.

Lapis makes a rather muffled sulky noise against Peridot, but also doesn't bother even attempting to push away. Or hug her close, because on Lapis' end, she still feels shame and a little bit of fear as well. Though the fear is less that Peridot will hurt her and more fear that she's still screwed everything up.

After a moment of this, Peridot goes stiff, while... Still kind of smothering Lapis in her scaly arms? Lapis can't see it but her eyes are wide with disbelief that she just did this thing. Her heart feels like it's trying to pound it's way out of her rib cage.

"I'm sorry--" she squeaks, staring straight ahead, still not letting go. She's scared to, in case Lapis is mad about being manhandled like this. "Rrrrgh, see, this is the problem, I would never... Never force this kind of physical affection on you if it weren't for the full moons! So that part is just a moon thing! But I do really, really like you, Lapis!" Peridot splutters.

There's another muffled, sulky noise from Lapis, but the noise that follows it up sounds significantly more relieved. Also she's not mad, not in any capacity, but there's not really much she can do to explain things on her end, due to being muffled by a large dragon shaped Peridot.

Which she's had enough of now, and she starts to push at Peridot after a moment so she can get some sort of room between them.

Peridot concedes and lets go, settling back on her haunches, hunching her shoulders so that she's looking back up at Lapis apologetically, ears ticked back nervously. She cocks her head a little, waiting for a response.

"It's not that I mind the physical affection, it's just... Aren't you afraid of me? Of what I could do?" Not here, not in this circumstance, but she's been trying so hard, and it's nice to know that Peridot does like her, but in a battle against herself, her fears will always be at the top.

She crinkles her snout with confusion at that, cocking her head in the other direction. It's such a weird question to her, it kind of makes it hard for her to feel sad. Her eyes narrow thoughtfully.

"What you could do? Like what?" she asks seriously.

"Not here, specifically... But I could hurt you. I could do it really easily, like I hurt Steven, like I hurt Connie, and like I hurt... Her." Jasper, she means, and Lapis fidgets nervously. "I don't... I don't want that."

Peridot's confusion simply continues to increase.

"If you don't want to hurt me then... Can't you just. Not do that then?" Like. That seems like the obvious solution here. "You're not a wild animal, Lapis. You made a choice to do all those things, to protect yourself."

"No I didn't, Peridot." It's nice to have her think that, but it just isn't true. "It might have been that way at first, but I just... I didn't hesitate to hurt other people." She fumbles over her words, palms opening and closing, before her shoulders slump and she sighs.

"I guess... I just don't get it. What you could ever see in a Gem like me." And that's frightening.

To Peridot, it still seems like there's a world of difference between 'didn't hesitate' and 'attacked others without any sense of control or conscious thought whatsoever', but. Lapis seems pretty stuck on this point, so she'll move off it for now.

"You're hilarious, and being around you makes me happy," she says simply. "I don't need any other reason. Right?"