alienwear | (no subject)

(no subject)

The whole point of a bond is to benefit both witch and monster. It's supposed to minimize the monster's feral impulses, make them easier to resist.

This is the first full moon she and Lapis have shared since they became bonded, and Peridot is not sure she's feeling any of those benefits yet. She feels just as agitated as ever, just as on edge. She's lurking up in her room, a victorian bedroom turned out of control greenhouse, pacing back and forth in front of the bedroom window as she keeps a mindful eye on her hoard of plants. She'd contacted Lapis by Watch, asked her to come up to keep her company. Which is frankly an embarrassing request to have to make, but for some reason it's the only thing that she can think that would make her feel any better right now.

Her eyes keep flicking to the door, ears pricked up for the sound of footsteps. It's totally dark in the room except for the moonlight filtering in through the bay window.

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Peridot scoops her up, and out of instinct she freezes, because what else is she going to do? She can't really fight off Peridot like this, so if the other Gem just decides to crush her then really, wouldn't she deserve it for how she's mucked everything up?

Except Peridot doesn't do that. Instead, all she feels is irritation and fondness and undoubtedly both are directed at her but she is at least a little relieved to know that Peridot doesn't actually hate her enough to crush her.

Lapis makes a rather muffled sulky noise against Peridot, but also doesn't bother even attempting to push away. Or hug her close, because on Lapis' end, she still feels shame and a little bit of fear as well. Though the fear is less that Peridot will hurt her and more fear that she's still screwed everything up.

After a moment of this, Peridot goes stiff, while... Still kind of smothering Lapis in her scaly arms? Lapis can't see it but her eyes are wide with disbelief that she just did this thing. Her heart feels like it's trying to pound it's way out of her rib cage.

"I'm sorry--" she squeaks, staring straight ahead, still not letting go. She's scared to, in case Lapis is mad about being manhandled like this. "Rrrrgh, see, this is the problem, I would never... Never force this kind of physical affection on you if it weren't for the full moons! So that part is just a moon thing! But I do really, really like you, Lapis!" Peridot splutters.

There's another muffled, sulky noise from Lapis, but the noise that follows it up sounds significantly more relieved. Also she's not mad, not in any capacity, but there's not really much she can do to explain things on her end, due to being muffled by a large dragon shaped Peridot.

Which she's had enough of now, and she starts to push at Peridot after a moment so she can get some sort of room between them.

Peridot concedes and lets go, settling back on her haunches, hunching her shoulders so that she's looking back up at Lapis apologetically, ears ticked back nervously. She cocks her head a little, waiting for a response.

"It's not that I mind the physical affection, it's just... Aren't you afraid of me? Of what I could do?" Not here, not in this circumstance, but she's been trying so hard, and it's nice to know that Peridot does like her, but in a battle against herself, her fears will always be at the top.

She crinkles her snout with confusion at that, cocking her head in the other direction. It's such a weird question to her, it kind of makes it hard for her to feel sad. Her eyes narrow thoughtfully.

"What you could do? Like what?" she asks seriously.

"Not here, specifically... But I could hurt you. I could do it really easily, like I hurt Steven, like I hurt Connie, and like I hurt... Her." Jasper, she means, and Lapis fidgets nervously. "I don't... I don't want that."

Peridot's confusion simply continues to increase.

"If you don't want to hurt me then... Can't you just. Not do that then?" Like. That seems like the obvious solution here. "You're not a wild animal, Lapis. You made a choice to do all those things, to protect yourself."

"No I didn't, Peridot." It's nice to have her think that, but it just isn't true. "It might have been that way at first, but I just... I didn't hesitate to hurt other people." She fumbles over her words, palms opening and closing, before her shoulders slump and she sighs.

"I guess... I just don't get it. What you could ever see in a Gem like me." And that's frightening.

To Peridot, it still seems like there's a world of difference between 'didn't hesitate' and 'attacked others without any sense of control or conscious thought whatsoever', but. Lapis seems pretty stuck on this point, so she'll move off it for now.

"You're hilarious, and being around you makes me happy," she says simply. "I don't need any other reason. Right?"

"But I've treated you badly, Peridot!" And she's not really that funny, is she? Peridot is always doing so much for her, too much, in her opinion. Especially after everything she's done.

"Not lately you haven't," she points out. "Not since you came back."

Peridot flicks her tail lightly, taking a brief pause.

"Also, I'm trying to get better at telling you how I really feel about things, so I feel like I should tell you that, right now, I think you're being a bit over-dramatic. Or maybe, possibly subconsciously, you're trying to scare me off, because you don't think you deserve to have anyone care about you like this."

Peridot's words take the wind out of her self loathing sails almost immediately, because it's true. She is trying to scare Peridot off because of the exact reason stated. She shifts, uncomfortable in the situation, but unable to really escape again and have time to adjust to it.

Which means she's mostly left to deal with this situation head on, isn't she?

Just terrible.

"What if I don't?"

"Irrelevant question. You do, because I say you do," Peridot says stubbornly, with just the tiniest touch of annoyance. "And don't try to change my mind!"

It's... sort of hard to argue with that. Peridot has effectively disarmed her completely, and now she has no idea how she's supposed to be reacting to this.

Well. Peridot already told her that she likes her. And she did say it's not just a moon thing, though she did say it was making her feelings more than usual?

Lapis can't help but worry all the same. "I just... I like you too, Peridot. I don't want to ruin what we already have by wanting more? And I don't even really know what "More" is. I guess it's like that I want to be like Garnet with you, but not.. Entirely?" She's babbling, she knows, and her shoulders hunch nervously. "Not the fusion thing, though, obviously."

That's just a little too much right now. And besides that, they couldn't anyway. Not here.

"Oh stars no," Peridot agrees. "No fusion. And I guess... We don't really have to do anything 'more'. Not anything drastically different, anyway."

She pauses, pawing nervously at the floor.

"There are... some things I kind of have the urge to do, right now, but I don't really... Understand them. And they're definitely a moon thing. I think."

"Yeah? Like what?" She asks, starting to fumble with her hands. Mostly because she needs something to do to try and keep her nerve here. It's fine. Nothing is exploding, they're still friends, Peridot isn't suddenly at her throat for all of the perceived slights that Lapis thinks that she might have against her.

It's fine. If she had a heart, it'd be racing, though.

As it stands, there's just a darker blue blush on her cheeks as she tries to mentally work out what this entire situation means.

Now Peridot is also blushing, the teal in her cheeks visible under her scales.

"I-I... Don't really think you'd like them," she says in a tight and awkward voice, eyes flicking away.

"I thought you said you were gonna get better at the whole avoiding saying things that you thought might upset me." She says, halfheartedly as a joke. "I promise I won't be mad."

"Th-that's not what I mean--" Peridot splutters, becoming genuinely flustered, her ruff flared up in alarm. She smooths that out, ducking her head awkwardly. "It's too embarrassing to explain," she whines dramatically.

"If you say so..." She won't push, in that case. She's already done enough pushing, and Peridot has already put up with her doing so. "But... You're kinda already being weird by keeping me in your room."

Just so she's clear.

"It's not that weird!" Peridot protests, embarrassment surging along their bond. She looks down at her talons, ticking her ears back. "I just wanted to spend time with you... But if you really want to leave, I won't stop you."

"I don't want to leave. Sorry. I was just... trying to make a joke." And obviously, she failed at it. She's trying to put an emphasis on reassurance through their bond, but she can't help but just feel a little bit bad because of it.

"I know I'm not.. exactly always someone who wants company." She starts, awkwardly, but she does take a nervous step towards Peridot all the same. "But I enjoy spending time with you. Even when you're trying to horde me." She says, with a small, unsure chuckle.

Might as well be honest, right?

Peridot had gotten the sense that she was joking, and panicked all the same. Still, it's nice to hear Lapis acknowledge that. She looks up at her with big bright adoring eyes.

"Oh. Okay. Well. Good," she says, smiling like a huge goober. "Well in that case..."

She gets back to her feet and nudges Lapis's waist lightly with her head, trying to push her further in the room.

The nudging gets a bit more of a laugh from her, because, well. It's kind of funny, being pushed around by someone like Peridot. Not in a bad way, it's more like the situation itself is just ridiculous.

She shoves Peridot's head away lightly, obliging her and moving where the nudges had been pushing her to be.

"You know you can just ask, right?"